Crapper Critic...round 2

Roll into to Nor Cally on Monday morning. Get picked up and whisked to the Sierrasnowboards shop for this big ass giveaway. Got to take a quick squirt before the gig and....this is what I walk into. Now last year when I was here, I guess people took notice to me not digging ANYTHING about their bathroom. This year the Critic doesn't need to critique. Anytime you go in for a number one and end up sitting down for a number two, you know things are gonna be comfy. But for the hell of it, lets rate this shit.
Cleanliness of bowl – 10, you could drink out of it.
Softness of asswipes – 10, they had some Charmin or something like that.
Reading material quality – 9, Finally Legal is in no way a 10, but much better than "Over 40." Plus they had a current issue of Snowboard Mag to back it up.
Reading room space – 10! I could really spread out in there.
Beat material present? 10. Present and accounted for.
Extras (hand soap, towels, potpourri, candles, air freshener) – 10, a bottle of booze? Hells yea.
Overall rating (10 is tops, 1 is shit) A solid 9.75. The highest Crapper Critic rating to date.

The Crapper Critic

Been travelling visiting shop after shop for the last month or so. It seems that every time we go to a shop, I get this urge to piss or crap. Every time I do this, I'm blown away at most shops bathrooms. Diss Guss Ting people. So I'm setting out on a worldwide Crapper tour to rate the US of A's best and worst shitters. You'll be able to know what shops you can drop pants and actually place your skin to the seat and which ones require a good set of hamstrings for the hovercraft action needed to get things done. Below is the criteria used to rate the porcelain thrones:

Cleanliness of bowl
Softness of asswipes
Reading material quality
Reading room space
Beat material present?
Extras (hand soap, towels, potpourri, candles, air freshener)
Overall rating (10 is tops, 1 is shit)

Get ready, cause the Crapper Critic is coming to blow up your bathroom!

Milosport Lafayette

The Crapper Critic is back. Especially after all this time on the road this season. I've sat in some good ones and then again, I've hovered over a few bad ones. Whatever the porcelain is, the critic always leaves his mark.
Today I present to you, Milosport Lafayette California's crapper.

Cleanliness of bowl - 3 it was diss cuss ting.
Softness of asswipes - Costco wipe the hair off your ass quality, 2
Reading material quality - 9 the dudes spend some time in here, the material was hidden everywhere.
Reading room space - 7 didn't feel cramped in there. Plenty of elbow room.
Beat material present? 2, they said there was some but I couldn't find it.
Extras (hand soap, towels, potpourri, candles, air freshener) - 10, tooth brush, paste, razor, beer, Scope, you name it, they had it.
Overall rating (10 is tops, 1 is shit) - the shitter was a shit hole but it had character, so for Milo California, their getting a solid 7. C+

Hey Guy, meet me at the Bucks and we'll get a Frappy!

6 Bentley's, 2 Ferrari's, 2 Maserati's, Bob Burnquist and Eddie Spagetti were peeped in 56 hours while down in So Cal. I went down on Monday morning to hook up with our man in the field, Skyler, for the start of the travel season roady visiting shops and seeing "what's up" out there. Along the way we saw 22 shops and got Todd Richards to give me his personal snowboard, autographed to boot. If that wasn't enough, I even bought a Speedo to swim laps in and a Power Balance bracelet for flexability and balance. Sucker.

"Dude, look at my store! There ain't a cool brand in here. I fucking look like a mall shop!"

Recession my ass, 300 plus sku's of sneakers on a wall!

Reto Lamm and Terje showed up in a Sushi shops bathroom.

Huntington Beach Pier.

Huntington Beach ass.

Venice Beach ass. "Bitch your ass so big, I can see it from the front!"

The Crapper Critic hits Liberty Board Shop. These are zero to ten ratings with a ten being the highest and bestest.

Softness of asswipes – 6
Cleanlyness of the bowl - 5, not bad, not good. Wouldn't be afraid to squat down on it, thats for sure.
Reading material quality – 9, old classic photo's, chicks on the wall, and ltd edition Leo Romero boards pushed the rating.
Reading room space – 9 I could really spread out in there.
Beat material present? 6, Didn't see any mags or anything like that, but plenty of girlies on the wall that would help get the job done.
Extras (hand soap, towels, potpourri, candles, air freshener) – 6, nice amenities.
Overall rating (10 is tops, 1 is shit) A solid 7.

PW in the house on rental sticks. RECOGNIZE.

Good Man Down. The guitarist from LIT's other band. I felt like I was at my 25 year high school reunion watching these dudes. Dick targets galore, jean shorts and Ed Hardy permiated the room. We met a bro waiting for them to come on: "Man I love these guys. You know how some bands are good musicians but suck live? Well these guys are awesome, their harmony is insane. Wait till you see them." They were a cross between Bryan Adams and some arena rock band. BEAT.
Eddie Spaggetti and Jordan Shapiro on the other hand, kicked ass. "Tonight you guys are in for a treat. Tonight we're not gonna be good, we're gonna be awesome!" Ed was on his way to Brazil to play for a bit.

Zoe.

"To Johan - May you always remain a Masshole! Todd Richards 09"The Boar doesn't give a shit that he's sleeping by the world champs board either.

Crapper Critic Sierra Snowboards

Cleanliness of bowl – 8, bowl was good, floor had paper towels all over.
Softness of asswipes – 2, man my starfish was a ring of fire after wiping with that 50 grit sandpaper homey calls toilet paper.
Reading material quality – 1, an issue of Freeskier from 2006??? C’mon.
Reading room space – 10! I could really spread out in there.
Beat material present? 0. Not a drop. And the walls must have had lead in them because I tried to pulls something up from the Beat Memory Bank and couldn’t get in.
Extras (hand soap, towels, potpourri, candles, air freshener) – 7, nice amenities.
Overall rating (10 is tops, 1 is shit) A solid FOUR (4) for Sierra Snowboards. I got to be honest, I’m a bit disappointed. Beers on site for guests, 10,000 square feet of sales floor, incredible back shop and online setup but then you go for a little alone time and it feels like going to jail. Just an un-enjoyable experience. Let’s hope they can improve their rating in the next year.