How not to get busted for drinking and driving

“I mean seriously, WHO doesn’t drink and drive? I know you’re not supposed too and a $20 cab ride home after a couple beers sounds good and all but if I took a cab every time I had beers, I would have spent well over $20,000 by now. My cousin is a prosecuting attorney and he told me these simple steps for having a better chance of not getting a DUI.”
The past two days on MSN news has been headlines on drunk drivers. Dude caught without his pants and that texting is more dangerous than driving drunk articles. Well I was chatting with my sauce buddy Tonto about it and he happened to throw out these drunk driving tidbits that were so good that they had to be passed on. One More Tonto offered up these steps to follow in case of the blue and reds flashing behind you. Obviously, don’t drink and drive. You should already know this, but in case your stupid…and should you ignore the #1 rule follow these steps:
1. Don’t chat with the officer. Answer the questions with minimal conversation. When asked how many drinks you’ve had, answer “I’m not comfortable with answering that question.” Don’t elaborate or nothing. Keep your calm also. It’s most likely going to be a long night so hang tuff and keep your cool.
2. After you get pulled over, NEVER EVER take the mobility test. EVER! This is a voluntary test even though they will try to talk you into it, tell the cop “I’m not comfortable doing your test.” No sober person could pass this test so what makes you think that you can now? Don’t do it.
3. When the cop asks you to take a breathalyzer at the scene of the bust, only take it IF you’ve had 2 or less beers. 2 or less and you will blow below the limit and Mr. Cop has two choices, let you go or take you in to the station. If you get pulled in, big deal he’s got nothing on you and your slightly inconvienced plus got to pay for the impounding of your car = cheaper than a DUI that he’d nail you with if you took the mobility test because NO ONE can pass them.
4. If you’ve had 3 or more beers, refuse the test and get hauled to the station. Once there take the test at the station. This shows the jury/judge that you are cooperative. Also ask to speak to a lawyer. Even if you blow badly, a good lawyer will argue calibration, temperature at time of test, testing procedure and that you were cooperative and had nothing to hide. They’re machine was bad, not you.
5. Never put a penny in your mouth, peanut butter or chew a bunch of gum before the cop rolls up to the vehicle. This is evidence against you that you’re hiding something. Your not fooling anyone with that sweet Budweiser smelling breath anyway.

Remember, it’s you against them. They are building a case against you trying to have enough evidence that your ham salad and uncooperative. Your job is to avoid the traps, be cooperative and take the one test at the plexiglass hotel that can be disputed. Mr. Prosecutor tells One More Tonto that in most cases that he’s tried with these circumstances the majority of people got let off. Charged with a lawyer of course, spent a night in the pen, paid car impound fee’s and what not, but got off.

Still, a wise man once said at a company party “you can expense a cab ride home, but you can’t expense a DUI.” And a $20 cab ride still sounds cheaper, safer and easier than the above but...