SIA Rules of the Road

I’m sitting on my flight to Lost Vague Us to go to the last SIA show in this God forsaken place. Sitting with my complimentary bloody Mary from Alaska Airline thinking about the week ahead and the years past. Holy fuck I’m getting old, as I realize that this is my 17^th venture to hell. My first one, way back when was with a man I’ll reference as Party Harty (names changed to protect his esteemed identity) as we were working for a company called Fart Ski’s and they distributed Had Hair Snowboards from Europe. Party and I drove his van called the Deer Slayer from Steamboat to Vegas in 11 hours. I’ll never forget the words of wis-dumb from ole Party as I boarded the Deer Slayer. “Johan, couple of rules on this trip. You see there are three types of lines out there, County Lines, State Lines and Breakdown Lines and every time we cross one, we do one!” Mr. Party had an 8ball in his pocket and planned on crossing lots of lines in those 11 hours. After repeated “you pussy, what a faggot your are” and what not’s as I refused to partake in the snowstorm on the highway, we started to drive. I watched Party dig himself out of that blizzard while chucking down a 6er or so, and off to Vegas we went. I’m going to share some important lessons that have taken me 17 years to learn, so those of you going to this hell hole can survive with minimal injuries.

Here’s a couple rules of the road for success while at SIA:

-Turn into a pumpkin at midnight. No good happens after then. Your orders don’t increase, terms get extended, commissions go up, mark down dollars increase or what not because you stayed out to 5AM. When you wake up at 8AM after 8 hours of sleep, you’ll be stoked.

-G.D.E. – get drunk early. Start your poundathon by 4PM AT THE SHOW, where cock tails flow freely. Continue on into dinner then switch that vodka and soda to a soda water with lime. You’ll think you’re still getting fucked up all while hydrating that booze out of your system.

-Go to Walgreens before your trip and pack aspirin, Visene, Airborne, Vitamin C, Talcum Powder, new razors and breathe mints. Party Harty taught me this one. Fly with the owls at night and soar with the eagles in the morning. These essential items ensure you DON’T look or feel hung over as long as you use all of them, each and every day.

-Pack good ski socks. Standing and walking all day on a concrete floor in a convention center that pumps oxygen in so you never know what time is makes my legs and ankles swell up like a German chick that only eats salted pork. Meaning I get cankles in Vegas. The ski socks, not that forward lean crap either, keeps my blood flowing and my legs sexy. Like this waitress in the sky’s that just walked by me. “Yes, I WOULD like another bloody Mary. Thank you.”

-Eat. Seems simple enough but you get so caught up in the broathon that you forget that. I know that there is a sandwich in every beer but…you need some good food in your system.

-Shower every day and hell, while you’re in there, you might as well pull stick and get them bad thoughts out of your head. Going out into the world clean and without a loaded gun is a good thing.

-Don’t allow yourself to be interrupted. Seriously, people throw out any manners they’ve ever been taught at trade shows. You’ll be standing there, in deep conversation and some fuck will come and try to barge the conversation thinking that what we were talking about wasn’t important. Don’t hesitate to say, “excuse me, but I’m talking to someone, I’ll get with you when I’m done.” Rude fucks beat it.

-Pack 4 pair of shoes. Trust me; you don’t need the coolest pair of skate shoes in Vegas. You’re not going to be skating. You’re going to be walking and standing all day, every day. Be comfortable. Frequent changes of footwear prevent the dreaded tradeshow foot.

-Talc you nuts. Self explanatory. Treat your boys to some white stuff. They’ll thank you later.

-NEVER SHAKE HANDS. Too many germs running around. Nugs is the way to go. And wash your hands a couple times a day. Also keep your fingers out of your nose and mouth. You’ll keep all that evil out of the system and keep from getting sick.

-Leave this shit at home please: bandanas, sunglasses, beanies, all over prints, your sisters jeans, blinking blue ear pieces, whores, 3 wheeled handicapped scooters, bunny-banana-robot costumes, fanny packs, etc. This ain’t a fashion show, it’s a trade show. Your not holding up any 7 11’s so no bandanas, your inside so you don’t need sunglasses, again your inside and you don’t need to keep your head warm with a beanie, the costume shit’s just wack, and fanny packs…well alright you can wear em if you work for a ski company, whores are all over, no need to bring sand to the beach, the ear phones shit is just, what ever you know how bad it is and leave the scooters for the old decrepit people. OK?

-Check your handsome ego at home. Those “hot chicks” that are smiling at you walking thru the Mandalay Bay? There hookers. Your not that good looking.

Now go enjoy yourself in Vegas. This should be the last time you ever visit this shit hole.