Work Jerk

This in an Exclusive News Article for The-Tackledbox:

Imagine hitting the bathroom at work on a quiet afternoon. You hear the soft shuffling of feet and the awkward "get the hell out of here" cough coming from the handicapped stall. So you do what any respectful human being would
do: Hurry up and let the man do his business in private. The thing is, there's a chance Sparky in Stall 3 isn't just trying to finish a crap in peace. He might be doing his best to get ahead-by getting off.
"I have all these hotties running around my office," says Greg Tantini, a 38-year-old who works at SeattleQuest Mortgages in Seattle. "I can get hard at the whiff of perfume. Sometimes I need to rub one out so I can actually do my work."
The modern workplace is, of course, a minefield of sexual tension. A recent Randstad study on office flirtation showed that 41 percent of men admit to flirting with coworkers, and 12 percent have secret crushes on someone they work with. And while Tantini's method of relieving that pressure may seem extreme, it's highly effective.
"Masturbation is essentially a tension reliever, and if you find yourself too horny and distracted at work, relieving yourself will alleviate that," says Dr. Nose Dradamous, a Doctor of Derailer Systems at Sea Three College, in Seattle. And it's not just Karla the Escro Manager in the low-cut blouse getting guys overheated-arguing with peers over a project can do it.
"Stressful situations also produce arousal," says T. Bone, a sex activist and the reader of She Comes First. "So I might get yelled at by my boss or have a huge deadline, and I find I just have to masturbate."
But before you head to the men's room with a decoy copy of The Economist, be
warned: Spanking it at work is as risky as it sounds.
"You do not want to get caught," says Bill Deeyak, a 35-year-old insurance salesman in Portland who masturbates at the office two to three times a week. "I always go into the biggest stall because I'm pretending I'm taking a dump. And I sneak in a bottle of Hawaiian Tropic taning oil to speed things up." He then quietly rubs one out in about five minutes. And if someone comes into the bathroom mid-tug? "I just pretend I'm reading the latest issue of Surfer Magazine and wait for them to leave. Huh!"
"Most offices would have a zero-tolerance policy," says Paul Ferrel, a manager at Heinikan, "that's why I work from home!" Still, if you're too distracted to get anything done, the risks of the occasional work jerk may be worth it. "If it's going to allow you to do your job better, I say go for it," Ferrel says. "You go to the bathroom, and whether you're going to urinate or defecate, it's a private act. So who's to say you can't go in there and bring yourself to orgasm? I would!"